Hand to Phone

HAND TO PHONE. SHE SITS CLOSE BY.
TAKING IT ALL IN, WHAT SHE HERSELF HAS CREATED.
A LIFE LIVED NO LONGER FOR HER BUT FOR THE LIFE SHE WAS TOLD TO WANT...
SHE CANT BELIEVE ITS GONE ON LIKE THIS..."SO LONG..." SHE THINKS.
HER HEART ACHES...ACHES FOR THE TIME THAT TIME SHE CANT GET BACK.
SHE'S LOST HERSELF.
SHE GETS UP...THROWS THE PHONE ON THE PAVEMENT AND STEPS ON IT.
ALL IN ONE QUICK MOVEMENT
THEN SCREAMS, THE LOUDEST SCREAM HER LUNGS, VOCAL CHORDS, AND MIND CAN HANDLE PRODUCING.
HER FACE TURNS RED... BRIGHTER THAN SHE THOUGHT HUMANELY POSSIBLE.
SHE FALLS TO THE GROUND, ON HER KNEES SHE SITS HOPELESSLY FINISHED, FINISHED CARING OUT HER...HER
200 DOLLAR JEANS, OR SHATTERED SMART PHONE.
...GLASS DIGGINGG INTO HER KNEECAPS SHE STANDS... TAKES OFF COAT. RUN. JUST RUN. DONT THINK. GO. GIVE YOURSELF FREEDOM.
MOVE!!!!!
...DROPPING WHATS LEFT OF HER MIND IN FRONT OF HER SHE STOMPS FORWARD. LEFT. RIGHT. LEFT...RIGHT...LEFT, RIGHT.
SHES CRYING, CRYING HISTERICALLY. SHE DOESNT LOVE. SHES NEVER LOVED. WHY.
WHO TOLD HER HOW? WHY CANT SHE FEEL?
WHY CANT SHE DISCOVER. EXTENSIONS. COMPLETE. SHES ALONE.
SHE IS WRONG. FOREVER. REMAINS A WOMAN WHO WAS NEVER TOLD RIGHT.
HELP ME... SHE THINKS.
PICKS UP THE ROCK AT HER FEET AND CARRIES IT HOME WITH HER.
THIS IS MINE...ITS REAL.
ITS HEAVY.
-JUSTINE MARIE

FEAR...

Fear limits the human mind... STUNS it. Sometimes fears pass, you move forward. sometimes they BECOME YOU.
Fears make the warm heart go cold...and the soul shudder and flee. Trying to overcome fears can be as simple as facing them...but on occasion fears can consume you...Make you PERMANENTLY scarred. Without fear, there would be no learning, no sense of self accomplishment. No defining moment that gives you what it was you fought SO HARD to achieve. Fear made MY MANIPULATIVE head worse...made me do the hurtful things I did to others to block me from facing those fears.

-Justine Mariiie
May 09Th., 2011
...................

*Opening to my latest writing works....the rest is too private to show, and something that will have to wait to be shown*

SHORT: CAN'T ESCAPE (SERIES: HER OWN PERSONAL HELL)

Tanya's trapped...Drowning.
Spending every waking moment aching...for what?
She already HAS it. Has just what she wants, and needs.
EVERYTHING that life promises.
She even stares into the eyes of it...what could POSSIBLY be hurting her.
Why WHY WHY does each little "Hiccup" hurt so FUCKING bad. She cries.. the tears WONT STOP! There is no direction she can go. No way to escape it.
"OUCH!!!!!!" she screams.. just STOP, please just STOP. There's nothing now.
It's all gone. A strange place surrounds her.

Looks Left. Looks Right.
Nope.. Where AM I?! Tanya thinks.
She pounds on the walls, and kicks at the locked doors...
no exit, no opening, no path.
She needs to ditch the ACHE that her heart is facing.
It burns to think.

Tanya is stuck in her own personal HELL.

There's no way out.. forever she will be in.

POEM: Receive

COLLECTED NOTHINGS...
THINGS THAT MEAN NOTHING...
ARE NOTHING...

TO GIVE IS TO LET GO.
LET GO OF HUMAN SELFISHNESS.
TO GET AWAY FROM OUR INSTINCTS.
REGAIN A FEELING OF DIFFERENCE.
TO BREAK THAT CURVE

GET, RECEIVE, WANT, TAKE...
NEGATIVE PATHWAYS,
THAT ARE OFTEN TRAVELED BY ALL...
SELFISHNESS...SELF-CENTERED CREATURE...
THATS ALL YOU ARE.
"FOREVER YOURS"



(this is a poem about myself, and my journey into selfishness...Its all me, all my faults... all my horribleness. forgive me world, for i take take take...and im sorry, but i dont want to give.)

SHORT: ALONE (SERIES: HER OWN PERSONAL HELL)

IMAN SITS NEXT TO THE EMPTY SHELL OF A MAN SHE ONCE CALLED HER LOVE.
HAVE YOU EVER SAT NEXT TO SOMEONE WHO ONCE COMPLETED YOU...AND NOW MAKES YOU FEEL MORE ALONE THAN YOU EVER HAVE BEFORE.THIS IS WHERE IMAN IS. SHE CAN'T TALK TO HIM...DOESN'T LOVE HIM, CAN'T STAND HIM... AND SHE HATES HERSELF MORE FOR ALL THOSE FACTS. INSTEAD OF TELLING HIM ANYTHING SHE KEEPS IT HIDDEN...CRIES HERSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT, AND BLANKLY TELLS HIM SHE LOVES HIM.

IMAN IS STUCK IN HER OWN PERSONAL HELL.

COWARDLY AND QUIETLY SHE LIVES HER LIFE, NOT KNOWING AN OUTLET. HE USED TO BE HER OUTLET...NOW HE'S HER REGRET...THE ONLY THING SHE REGRETS. IMAN GOES INTO HER KITCHEN...GRABS THE GIN, ICE, CUP, AND A KNIFE.
SHE POURS A DRINK AND WALKS TO THE LIVING ROOM. "YOU'RE GOIG TO NEED THIS..." SHE HANDS HIM THE DRINK. HE LOOKS UP AT HER WITH HIS BIG, BLUE CARING EYES...
SHE HOLDS THE KNIFE TO HER OWN THROAT AND SWIPES...A CLEAN SLIT ALL THE WAY ACROSS. HE SCREAMS AS SHE FALLS TO THE FLOOR...HER BLOOD POOLING AT HIS FEET. HE WIMPERS OUT HER NAME.
A COWARD...SHE DIES.

-JI3

Massive Attack - Butterfly Caught

STRANGER.
PAGES.
FLAME.
MAKE IT UP.
SCARED.
AFRAID TO SEE.
RADIATE.
SMILING FOR ME.

Apocalypse Mind.

AS THE DARKNESS COMES AND GREY TAKES HER.
SHE SITS QUIETLY OBSERVING THE WORLD MELT...
IT MELTS SO SLOWLY, ALL THE COLORS BLEEDING TOGETHER...
SHE CRIES SOFTLY AS THE PAIN STARTS.
THE SLOW BURNING PAIN, THAT LASTS EVEN AFTER DEATH.
HER INSIDES SCREAM, AS HER BLANK STARE LAY...
FIXATED ON THE WORLD OUTSIDE OF HER BEDROOM WINDOW.
THE COLORS ARE MELTED NOW, INTO A POOL OF BLACKNESS ON THE GROUND.
AS EVERYTHING STAYS STATIONARY, WITH A LIFELESS GREY HUE.
SHES TAKEN OVER...HER BODY CANNOT MOVE. ITS GONE.
THIS IS THE END. SHE FEELS NO MORE... SEES NO MORE.
HER BODY FADES AND HER MIND DIES AWAY.
NO THOUGHTS ARE LEFT TO PULL AT...NO LOVE FELT.

GREY. GREY. GREY... COLOR NO MORE.

SECRETS UNFOLD

The bleeding of my heart.
The pain held close inside.
My worry seems to uproot.
It tells me secrets I can't bare to keep, stories I want to share.

I share.
I share. 
I share. 

I'm still alone, my bleeding heart still tells me things, sad sad things... Too sad to share, but I try. Again, again, again.

Alone I sit. In my room with all of my secrets unfolded... The laughing crowd around me... 
My head held low and legs dangling off the bed.

You sit at my feet, your warm hand tucked. Tucked neatly underneath your head. Which lay firmly on my lap. Your face soaked with tears, mine to match. Where did you come from? I don't know.

You look up to me and ask... "can I tell you a secret...?" 

I listen as your secrets unfold... Unfold all over my room, mixing with mine. We share it all. Tears. Laughter. Anger. We become one.... A finished puzzle. 

We laugh at the laughing crowd. Our secrets folded neatly in a corner for only us to see. 

Ours. Ours. Ours.

Chapter 5.... Tooth extraction

She's browsing the net. Looking up videos on her next step.
How-to, self help almost.

It's time.

She goes to her bedroom... Grabs the novacane syringes...
And proceeds to the bathroom.

She walks over to him. Smiles. Covers his eyes. She sticks two small plastic plates on either
Side of his mouth to prevent him biting down.
Then she grabs her first syringe and JABS it between the gum and tooth. he lets out a startled scream. then...she takes a second and numbs the area inches away from the first...to ensure the extraction is quick and painless. mostly...

Pliers.
Gauze.
Sorrow.
Regret.
Worry.
Begin.

she takes a breath and grabs his bottom jaw... pliers to number 6 canine. She pulls, as hard as possible for a hundred and fifteen pound woman.

The tooth comes out easy. Not a single slip of the wrist. She moves left a tooth...looks at her book and sees that its the #5 Premolar.

"okay lover...its going to start getting a little crazy...AND fast. Im going to start moving towards the back... you're going to feel a LITTLE more pressure with each tooth okay? Great!"

#4 Premolar
#3 Molar
#2 Molar

Now number one molar showed to be a little more tricky for Rosemary.
Taking a small hammer and ice pick.

CRACK!!!

She pulls out ONE piece, and then the other...

Side one of two complete.... She thinks to herself.




................................